Where to even begin? So much life has happened since I wrote regularly here. On one hand, I cannot believe how much time has passed – and on another, it’s all a blur. But what I do know is that I’m a writer, and when I stop writing, it’s a bit like I stop living.
Of course, as every writer knows, often we do have to Live in order to write, and sometimes that means stepping away from the page. But I’ve really felt so lost and I am realising now that it’s because I stopped writing in the important ways. So this is me returning to the blank page in front of me, and starting again.
It’s overwhelming to me to think about recapping all that has happened since I took the hiatus from the blog. I attempted to do a somewhat summary in this post written back in June, but of course I’m never going to be able to tell you everything.
So, I won’t. I’ll just tell you what’s in my heart now.
It’s been almost ten months since I broke my leg, and I’ve had some type of pain almost every single day of those ten months. Breaking my leg was a catalyst—I broke, and then it felt like almost everything else fell apart too. I would be lying if I said that’s all in the past, but it’s not. I still feel it today and I’m still trying to understand everything, and above all, understand myself and who I am now.
A major shift happened in November. I spent all spring and summer just trying to survive. I stayed positive as much as I could, when every day felt like a battle just to survive. Just to go to work, to take care of myself, to buy groceries, to cook, to eat, to take the bus. To attempt to be a friend and a colleague and keep my head above water, all by myself. I couldn’t process anything yet—I was just trying to get by. Then the fall arrived, and after summer holidays I got back to the usual grind of my life in Roma and my pain returned. I started to fall apart.
They say that once your body feels safe, then it processes trauma. I don’t know if I arrived far enough away from the accident and it finally felt safe for me to start releasing all the trauma, or if doing Reiki for the first time unblocked everything I had locked up inside, but I began truly losing it: randomly crying in public for no known reason, having mental breakdowns over small things, and feeling so low like I hadn’t felt in years.
I started therapy for the first time and talked about my depression, which was something I had never done—and there are certain people I have in my life right now that I have to thank for that, for recognising it in me and making me feel safe enough to share how dark I felt inside. Honestly I never thought my depression would find me here in Italy, but I think it just means that I have fully adapted to my life here, it’s no longer a temporary thing, and the difference that I was able to be open about it and receive help is also a testament to the fact that this is where I belong. To feel comfortable enough to fully express yourself is something I will never take for granted.
And let’s be real—breaking your leg and having chronic pain is a very valid reason to have such a disruption to your life and need extra mental health support. It is not an experience for the weak, in body or in mind, and it’s important to acknowledge that.
Before I started to fall apart, however, I reached the point I had been waiting for: I started to see the blessings in what had happened. One day, I wrote a list of all the things I was grateful for: the fact that I don’t have children yet, I can finish all my surgeries and get back to normal before eventually (hopefully) starting that next part of my life, the way I’ve had to confront myself and try to heal things from the past that have come back up in this period, learning more about the Italian healthcare system that will serve me, meeting people who have become so important in my life now, purging other relationships that weren’t for my greater good, more empathy for others who are suffering, actually trying to deal with my depression and eating disorder tendencies, re-aligning my priorities, realising I can survive anything, and understanding that I broke to become new again.
Then, during my Reiki session, I had a major realisation. My mind flashed back to when the accident happened, and I thought to myself, I wish I hadn’t left the house that night. Then I immediately thought about the person I’ve become and the people I’ve met since and I felt this No so strongly in my body and my heart. I don’t actually want to go back; I wouldn’t have met the version of me that I am today. I would go through it all again, because of everything that happened after and because it’s made me who I am now.
Afterwards, an incredible thing happened. I told my Reiki practitioner this realisation I had, and she shared the exact same intuitive download. She said she saw me the moment the accident happened, surrounded by a golden light. She said I am very protected, even in those moments, and it was all meant to happen, it’s a part of my life path. My soul came into this body, this life, knowing already. (Then she recommended I read Journey of Souls and it has truly blown my mind.)
I thought, I am a warrior, reflecting about all I’ve been through.
During that time, I had one euphoric week in which I didn’t have pain, and I started doing things I hadn’t done since early March. I bought a slice of pizza and ate it while walking (very Roman), I walked to a different bus stop instead of taking the closest one, I speed walked on the treadmill at the gym, I went Christmas shopping and walked around Trastevere with a lot of shopping bags. I felt like myself again, like I had a glimmer of what my life used to be like, and I texted my physiotherapist that I was so happy I could cry.
Then the pain came back and the darkness settled in. Some days, it still has me in its grip. Other days, the sun shines and the blue skies over Roma make me want to live again, remind me of the beauty of this life. I know I still have a long way to go, but I hope the hardest part is over, and I hope that when I look back on this time in my life I see how it shaped me, how it gave me an edge I didn’t have before, to survive something like this by myself. And if my soul chose this life, knowing all the suffering (which is so little compared to others, I know), there must be something really great coming next. I am positive.
I will write more soon…I am so grateful to be back. Today this is what I felt like writing—but as always, there’s a lot more to the story.
Sending you all love, wherever you are in the world and whatever you’re dealing with.
xx Maggie
