Reeling

Today I finally felt the urge to log-in to WordPress for the first time in over a month and write something here. Funny because I realized I’m sitting in almost the exact same spot I was when I published my post ‘sono tornata’ last time I came back to America after living in Roma. I don’t know if it’s the American-sized coffee, the stress migraine, or the reverse culture shock but I feel dizzy. In reality, I don’t have much to say right now. I just wanted to put something out into the universe here.

I am giving myself time to adjust, because the reverse culture shock is never a joke. I think this time might be the hardest. Each time I’m in Italy I become more engrained in the culture and my life there, I have no doubt that makes it harder to come back to the United States. Not to mention almost my whole life was in Italian, aside from work and some of my friends. So to adjust the language is hard on its own when Italian is first in my mind (and the language I prefer, let’s be honest).

So I’m not rushing putting any posts out. To be honest, I feel quite fuori di testa. Just leaving my house right now is a task. My belongings are scattered in piles across the floor and I haven’t put my suitcase away just yet. All the things I bought are laid out, waiting to be sorted through. I forgot what it feels like, this displacement. The confusion of returning. How everything feels new – driving, socializing, shopping, etc. I’ve started keeping a list, of all the reverse culture shock observations.

I tried to be as present as possible during my last days in Roma, but to be honest it didn’t really hit me that I was leaving. My life there is simply my life. I couldn’t really believe I had to leave again. When I finally made it through security and to my gate, I sat down with my espresso and just started crying. Then when we reached climbing altitude I had to change my mask because I had been sobbing at takeoff. It’s so hard for me to leave Italy. Plus, everything that could’ve gone wrong leading up to my flight did. I think the universe was telling me to stay.

This summer gave me a lot to think about. What I want in the future, how (and how much) I want to share my life on Instagram and the blog, how I want to connect with people, what kind of life I’m shaping, what I’ll be happiest doing in my future careers, if I want to study more. I feel so young still, but at the same time I’m impatient to live in Italy. To not have a return date always looming on the horizon.

The other thing I’m always thinking about is how my feelings might come across to my friends and family here. I love them and I know it’s hard when I come back and don’t feel quite myself. It’s never a reflection of them. It’s just that I don’t fit here, no matter how much I want to or how much they want me to. I don’t have the answers right now – I just know I feel bad that it’s like this. I wish I could be happy here, but it’s never to the degree that I am in Italy.

Everyone should be able to live where they are their most authentic, genuine self. We can be our best selves for the world when we live where we’re happiest, where we fit so easily it’s not even a question.

Anyways, I think I need a nap now (is it possible to still be jetlagged after six days?)…