2020 was truly a year like no other, and I’ve had a hard time processing it all and trying to put it into words. I don’t mean for this post to be a cap on that really, because I feel like we’ve faced quite a bit of trauma in the past year and there’s really no timeline for recovering from what we’ve been through. I have gone back and forth in trying to decide if I should write any sort of 2020 recap post, and ultimately decided to just do this post with no expectations of how good or thorough it would be. Sometimes I just need to start writing and see where it takes me.
I posted this on Instagram just after new years about the pressures of trying to summarize a year as turbulent as 2020:
I wrote this on new years eve in my morning pages:
LAST DAY OF 2020!! I can’t believe it. This year went by both incredibly fast and incredibly slow. I am feeling particularly overwhelmed this year by the need to summarize 2020. But it’s just not a year that really can be [summarized]. SO MUCH happened and in the midst of it all there was so much loss, collectively and personally. It was a year I never could have imagined for myself, and yet I was still able to find the light. I rediscovered myself in more ways than one, and woke up to the world we’re living in. I worked on relationships that really needed my attention, and developed deeper relationships with the people I care about. I found peace and time for my creativity in the silence, and most of all lived in deep gratitude that 2020 wasn’t worse. But I am so ready to say goodbye to it. I’m so ready to go out again. To relearn how to live. To be social, to travel, to see the people and the places I have so horribly missed during this year of being confined to my house. There are so many things I’m looking forward to, but I will remain patient until we can all fully participate in life again.
I’m not going to list what I did or what I accomplished in 2020, because while the list is long it’s not really that important. What matters is that we made it to the New Year, and I’m really just so grateful for the health of my family and friends and myself. I learned a lot in 2020, about myself and the world. 2019 for me was a year of big adventures, of becoming the person I wanted to be. 2020 was about rediscovering parts of myself I had lost to the busyness of the world, and there’s something just as beautiful in that. I know that once the world opens up I will be all over traveling as much as I can, so I’m just trying to cherish my time at home with my family as much as possible, and enjoy it for exactly what it is.
2020 was really hard. There’s absolutely no denying that. I went through some hard $hit, like pretty much all of us. One thing to come out of it all was making sure the people you love know that you love them. My cousin (who is only four years older than me) was diagnosed with breast cancer, and my best friend ended up in the ICU in November with blood clots in her lungs because of Covid. People close to me with underlying health conditions also got Covid, which was so scary. You never know what’s going to happen, so I’ve learned to be better at loving and not holding anything against people. If someone means a lot to you, show them and make sure they know it.
I also learned in 2020 that I wasn’t doing enough to stop racism, and I wasn’t actively involved in politics like I should’ve been. So I changed both those things. I protested, I shared information on my platform, I read, I diversified my Instagram feed, I raised money to help people who were struggling. I got involved in the Biden campaign thanks to Women for Biden and I text banked for weeks leading up to the election. Through all of this, I felt like I found a part of myself I had lost. Up until college I was super involved in volunteering and running events with nonprofits to raise money. So it felt good to find that part of myself again that really wants to help others, and knows that we all can do something to make the world better. Especially in 2020 (and now 2021). It also helps to focus on something other than yourself in these hard times.
Last year also gave me a better relationship with my hometown, which is something I never expected. I’ve spent so much time here because I haven’t traveled, and I no longer resent this city because I want to be elsewhere. I’ve learned to appreciate it for what it is, while realizing it may not be the right place for me at the same time. I used to hate landing here whenever I returned via plane. Now I have a different perspective on the place, and I’m really grateful for that.
I think another thing 2020 gave me, and a lot of other people, was deeper friendships. Since it wasn’t safe to see a lot of people, I really only made time for the people I want in my life, and those that took the pandemic and staying safe as seriously as me. This allowed those friendships to become deeper, and I’m really grateful for all of the friends who have helped me get through these hard times. Social distance walks, hikes, coffee dates, and outdoor hangouts have been a real light in the darkness.
I will also say that over the past year I was really able to focus on my creative projects and this blog. I have never been able to devote so much time and attention to it, and I’m really proud with where it’s at. It’s been about three years now since I started working on it, and 2.5 since I officially launched it. Only good things to come here, I’m sure! It has given me the outlet I needed for my thoughts in this past year like no other, and allowed me to connect with people across the globe. For that I’m super grateful!
Lastly, I was able to finally fall in love with taking care of myself this year, and appreciating my body. Don’t get me wrong, the start of quarantine was really hard on my health, and so was the stress and anxiety throughout the summer months. But I finally feel like I’m at a place where I am taking care of myself the right ways, staying healthy and moving my body and eating as well as I can in my current situation. My thoughts are in a good place and I admire my body. It feels good and I’m glad that I’ve had the time over the past year to focus on taking care of myself.
There’s probably a lot more I could say, but I’m going to end it here. I know this isn’t a perfect blog post, but I’ve done my own private reflecting on 2020 and I know what I accomplished and went through. It just feels good to share some things with you, my readers, and leave some lessons that I know I will look back on when things are at their new normal we’re so looking forward to.
As I shared on my Instagram stories on new years eve, I wanted to leave you all with a poem by Cleo Wade called “It is okay (a poem of validation for the year 2020)” originally published in Vanity Fair. It is the perfect sentiment to leave on, and I hope it brings you peace as we focus our attention on 2021 and a better future ahead of us. The sun will always rise.
It is okay (a poem of validation for the year 2020)
It is okay to leave this year behind
It is okay if you haven’t found a silver lining since February
It is okay if all of that spiritual or emotional work you were planning to do on yourself never ended up happening
It is okay if you didn’t read a single book all the way through or you read a book every day because fiction felt safer than real life
It is okay if you didn’t become an expert chef and your banana bread never came out quite right
It is okay if you gained the weight you promised yourself you’d lose
It is okay if you watched too much tv and your kids watched too much tv too
It is okay if you cried more than you laughed, but I hope you got a few laughs in at some point along the way
It is okay if you felt overwhelmed by grief, loss, sadness, confusion, and fatigue – we all felt some version of these and if you are reading this right now,
you made it through.
It is okay to close your eyes and say to yourself,
I am a strong, resilient, badass.
It is okay if, after you said that, you opened your eyes and still felt worried
I worry too.
It is okay to stop everything for five minutes, put on your favorite song, and dance with your family or by your damn self.
It is okay to find joy in the midst of darkness
It is okay, to sit down and just
breathe.
It’s okay if you didn’t realize how much you actually liked spending the holidays in your hometown until you couldn’t do it
It is okay if the added roles, responsibilities, and jobs have felt crushing
It is okay if you couldn’t do it all.
None of us can.
It is okay if you had to cut back on spending and teach your kids that life is not about what you have but who you are with.
It is okay if on the surface everything seems fine but deep down, your heart is broken and the pain is bone deep.
It is okay to ask for help even if you don’t think you deserve it.
It is okay to rest.
It is okay to admit that this was the worst year of your life or miraculously ended up being the best
And it is okay if
you are not okay at all
and what you really need to hear is…
It will be okay.
somehow, someway, someday.
It will be okay.
![È buio il mattino che passa
senza la luce dei tuoi occhi
☁️
[Pavese]
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