Every now and then everything sort of cages up inside of me and I like to do one of these blog posts where I check-in with myself, and let you know where I’m at. It’s a helpful exercise, kind of like journaling, to just let everything flow out onto the page (or keyboard). I wrote one over the summer that was similar, and thought I’d just give an update. Mostly for myself but I’m sure many of you will relate to how I’m feeling.
You might remember that I had a trip to Nashville planned for November. My friend and I decided to cancel at the last minute because the number of cases had skyrocketed since we had planned the trip, and new regulations were just coming out. Essentially, we were going into our second lockdown and so traveling at that moment did not feel good.
The only thing we ended up losing money on was our museum tickets for the Frist, but we were able to get a full refund for our Airbnb. If you are traveling at all in this pandemic (first let me ask WHY?), definitely make sure you make flexible bookings in case something comes up. It honestly was a relief to cancel because I realized I was feeling pretty anxious about traveling, and it will just be so much better to go to Nashville when things are improved. Hopefully this spring! I live with my parents right now, so anything where I could potentially expose them really freaks me out.
I was excited to get away, and have a change of scenery. But I guess I’ll have to wait for that too. The weekend we were supposed to go in mid-November, our new rules came out in Minnesota and soon after we went into a second lockdown. Like the first lockdown, I had already put myself in quarantine before others did because I saw how bad the case numbers were. Since then they have horrified me every day. People have been careless (or should I say reckless?) ever since the spring, and then more people were selfish over Thanksgiving and ignored everything the CDC said, traveling and having big dinners with more than their bubble. So I know it’s just not going to get better for awhile. If people continue to ignore the pandemic we are just going to continue losing more people. And that’s not okay.
I wrote this on Instagram recently, sharing my frustrations about all of this:
lately between the peace and gratitude of this period comes extreme feelings of frustration, sadness, and despair. sometimes everything just comes to the surface. frustrations about being 24 in the middle of a pandemic when I should be living a fun wild life, anger over people who aren’t following the rules, mad thinking about those who are disregarding the lives of everyone else right now and believe this virus isn’t real (how tf???). frustration over everything I feel like I’m missing out on, because I’ll never be this age again. missing my life in italy, because I would’ve been back there by now. it’s a lot. anyways, I saw something a few weeks ago that really struck me in regards to all these frustrations: ‘your choice to give up your normal life for the last 7 months (now 9 months) may have saved someone’s life and I don’t want you to think – for one second – that it wasn’t worth it.’ I hope you’re all staying safe at home and doing what you can to stop this pandemic. the hospital beds are almost full here in my state. it doesn’t matter who you are or how old you are, you don’t want to get this virus. patience has never been my strong suit, but if I make an effort not to think about all the things I’m missing out on, and focus on what I can do, it feels better. how are you feeling today?
It’s also SO frustrating to not have a leader who has respect for human life, but only cares about himself. I cannot wait until January 20th when Joe Biden and Kamala Harris take office. Finally we will have a president who cares for us and wants what’s best, especially in regards to dealing with this pandemic. We just have to wait about a month longer, which seems much too long when lives are being taken.
This second lockdown has for me, like many I’m sure, been different than the first. The nice thing is that we know so much more about the virus, it’s not just one big mystery. It’s still scary, but knowing what’s safe and what’s not has been really helpful. My anxiety is still really bad some days, but when that happens I just use every self-care option I have until I feel better. I’ve had a couple really bad migraines brought on by stress that have lingered for almost a week, so when those happen I give myself a sick day and force myself to chill so it will go away.
One thing that’s been different for me in this lockdown is that I feel busy. The quarantine boredom never seems to hit, which might sound like a good thing but it’s left me feeling very burnt out. I have a lot of different jobs and projects right now, which I know is the source of this. I agreed to too many things at once is what I realized a few days ago (if you follow me on Instagram you probably saw me talking about it in my stories). I also mentioned there how I’m not someone who thrives when I’m busy like this. It just stresses me out and I end up getting nothing down, with very low productivity. I am so much better when things are simple, and I can just focus on one project or one thing, which is something I learned while living abroad. Everything is simplified for me and I don’t have a never-ending to-do list. I’m just focused on what’s in front of me. I also really crave having “off” time each night, where I can paint or sketch or practice my Italian. These are things I did a lot of in the spring, but haven’t had time for now. I did revisit my post the art of taking a aause and that has helped me to be present each day in the midst of the busyness I feel.
So, now that I’ve realized all of this I’m working to change it. The good thing is that by next week I will be done with my internship for Society19 (it was a three month commitment), and my freelance work has already taken a pause for the holidays. That leaves me with a lot more time to focus on job searching to find a full-time remote job, and working on the blog. With writing over 5,000 words each week for the past three months (not to mention sourcing and formatting images) for this internship, I have not been able to write for the blog as much as I normally do. I am super proud though of the new layout I managed to unveil in November!
Aside from my internship, freelance work, and the blog, I have a lot of ideas creatively that I would love to put into action, I just haven’t had time for them yet. I’m also still considering grad school in the near future, so if I want to make moves on that I need time to do research. It’s really hard to know how to plan for the future when everything is uncertain like this, but with the vaccines coming out I’m hopeful that by the end of 2021 we will achieve some sense of normalcy and I can get on with the big life I have planned for myself.
I also took on the holiday gift drive and giveaway for the past few weeks but that was, of course, totally worth the time and energy! My friend and I were able to raise over $1300 to buy gifts for Face to Face, and we dropped everything off yesterday. They were so happy and grateful, it made it all worth it knowing that people who are struggling will have some joy and hope this holiday season. I want to encourage everyone to do what they can for others, especially this holiday season. Instead of wallowing in misery about missed holiday parties and gift exchanges, look for the people in your life who could benefit from extra love and attention. Or notice the people in your community that are struggling. It will make you feel better to focus on helping someone else out in this crazy year. We need each other more than ever before.
Before I was preparing for Thanksgiving and then had the gift drive, the election stole my attention. I got totally swept up in text banking to help the campaign, and that was a fun and educational experience for me. It gave me hope to talk to so many people across the country each day! And I felt like I had really done my part, so when election night came I could sit back and know that I made a difference.
Of course, election day turned into election week and the nerves I felt was unprecedented. I was definitely stressed about the result (UM WHO WASN’T?), but what made that week even harder for me was that one of my best friends was in the hospital fighting covid. I won’t get into it here because it’s not my story to tell, but I basically spent the week going to daily mass, lighting candles, and taking sanity walks. I cried on the sidewalk once (thank god for masks and sunglasses), I ate fast food, and I wore sweatpants for four consecutive days. All highly abnormal activities for me but the stress made me do it. My friend is on the mend now and we had a new president by Saturday, and I celebrated both with a glass of prosecco on Saturday night!
Also relating to the election, I haven’t shared yet where I was when I heard the results. I think I’ll do that in another post, and reflect on how it feels to be hopeful again after the four year nightmare we all endured. Spoiler alert: it feels good. Really good.
Getting back to how this second lockdown has been different than the first. Another thing that’s been different for me, in a good way, is my health and my approach to working out. I’m going to write a separate blog post on that, because it’s a topic I’ve been meaning to share more about. I feel good now and look forward to my daily walk or run and yoga!
It definitely has been hard to note the passing of time this year, I can hardly believe the holiday season is upon us. I’m almost in denial over this year…how has it been that long since January 2020? I’ve talked about this a little on Instagram stories as well, how I’m focusing on just processing 2020 and not making any goals for 2021. I always reflect on the past year around this time, which I will do, but I also realize that it might take me longer to process all that has happened in 2020. Don’t feel guilty if you didn’t realize any of your goals. The world turned upside down. It’s going to take time to make it right again, and it’s okay to live in the unknown as we enter 2021.
So, that’s where I’m at. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for sticking with it. I appreciate you.
