Checking in: July 2020

This blog post is probably more for me than for you, but sometimes it feels good to share how I’m feeling rather than just keep it all inside. Scratch that. It’s always better to share and be vulnerable because it almost always leads to connection. So today I sat down with the intention of just writing a little check-in, being honest with my feelings, and seeing if maybe it resonates with you also.

I have struggled more and more lately with being positive. With being happy about the circumstances even though they are far from normal, with finding the good within the bad, with staying positive when life looks nothing like how I imagined it would six or even five months ago. It has now been almost seven months since I returned from Italy, and by this time in the summer I thought I would be back there already, enrolled in Italian classes and au pairing for another family for at least six months. The plan in my mind which I was working towards was so greatly altered because of coronavirus, I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, in a fog, grasping for any sort of order or sense to cling to. Now I’m just getting my bearings and wondering what the hell I’m going to do instead. I find myself unemployed and living with my parents for way longer than I had originally planned. It’s one of those instances where I feel like life kind of just happened to me, and I had no choice but to take this hit. 

It hasn’t all been bad. It’s just that the majority has and I don’t feel like I can be my usual positive self right now. Maybe that’s what’s affecting me most. My LUCE tattoo reminds me that the sun will always rise, that I can always find the light, but still it’s hard sometimes and I’m learning to accept that that’s okay. 

In January and February, things were fine. I was nannying and even got a freelance job doing content creation, which I LOVE. I had created a great routine of going to the gym and practicing my Italian, making the winter a little more bright for me. I was making and saving money which was good. In February I was sick almost the whole month with a cough that wouldn’t go away, but after my birthday in early March I was feeling better. I held a beautiful valentine’s party for my girlfriends, and had the best time celebrating my birthday with a visit to the Minneapolis Institute of the Arts and a night out dancing, where I coincidentally met some Italians (and probably talked their ears off all night, scusaaa!!). 

I started nannying for a new family in late February and then the world turned upside down. At that point I was thankful I had a job, even if it meant I was now homeschooling and had no breaks thanks to both kids being off from school for the indefinite future. Eventually it became too much when one of their parents had to do a shift in the I.C.U. in late April and my anxiety about coronavirus had reached an all-time high, especially because I live with my parents and sister (who had to come home from studying in London in mid-March which was also highly stressful). 

Basically the world as we knew it was gone, and millions of people were on lockdown. It felt like the U.S. took centuries to make a move to stop the spread of the virus, but I don’t really want to get into that here. The entire response by the national government has been absolutely horrible, and it’s disgusting and heartbreaking to think about how many lives were lost because of people being selfish or stupid. Thankfully our governor in Minnesota has approached the virus seriously and our state has made good efforts. I just hope it isn’t all lost now by people thinking the pandemic is over because restrictions are eased. As if I haven’t said it enough on my Instagram stories, WEAR YOUR MASK. 

During quarantine, things were so much easier than they’ve been the past two months. I say that because everyone was doing the same thing. No one really had a choice about going out and doing things, because there was nothing to do. Life was so simple, even if it sometimes was overwhelmingly boring being cooped up for so long. But we could still take walks, go on bike rides, see family and friends over video chat. I invested in new art supplies and dove back into drawing and painting. I wrote letters, I wrote blog posts, I wrote a short story. My family cooked more, and we watched movies. I took yoga classes online and went on many long, reflective walks. It was a challenging time to remain calm amidst all the hysteria and the tragedy happening in the world, but whenever my thoughts started going down a bad path I just reminded myself how much worse it could be. I was thankful and grateful it wasn’t worse. Each time I saw how Italians were faring being in their complete lockdown, it gave me hope because they remained positive through the worst of it all. 

Since June, things have been a lot harder for me mentally. That was when restrictions started to ease here, but so much uncertainty remained. I didn’t know how many people I could see, and didn’t want to be irresponsible. During the months of stay at home orders, I had seen only a few friends and cousins. Now I started to add friends back in whom I hadn’t seen at all. We kept our meetings outside for the most part, and never more than a few hours long. I attended a few protests when everything blew up here after the horrible death of George Floyd. I always wore a mask (as did almost everyone else), stayed outside, and stayed six feet away from people when possible. Now the fact that I went to protests is being used against me when I decline or express fear over certain events because of the virus. This I don’t appreciate because the circumstances were different and so dire. And again, 99% of people at the protests were wearing masks, and there was no spike in cases here due to the protests.

To this day, I’ve only gone to sit at one brewery and one cafe, both outside. I don’t feel comfortable dining inside yet, nor do I have the desire to. I was faced with difficult decisions over the holiday weekend but ultimately decided to just stay home. The week before had been full and I needed the rest and the chill time by myself, and didn’t want to risk sickness for myself or others. 

I feel like life has been a total blur since February. Now it’s July and I honestly cannot believe it. Like I said, I feel like a fog has just settled over me and now the veil is lifting and I feel an urgency to figure out what’s next. The hibernation period is over, I’ve been unemployed for over two months, now I have to navigate this new world and decide how to proceed. One thing quarantine did afford me is copious amounts of time to think. I have some ideas as to what I want my next chapter to look like, some clarity, and really that’s all I need to figure out. I don’t need to figure out what my whole life is going to look like, just what the next best step is. It makes the whole idea of deciding much less intimidating or scary when broken down like that. 

I think each time I’m faced with such a blank canvas, it feels scary but also so liberating. I can choose what’s next, where I spend my time, what I do. I need to start looking at it positively, instead of being scared away. My head has just been spinning in so many directions (this always happens when I’m job searching), but now it’s time to focus. Maybe after writing all of this out I’ll be able to do just that. Over the last ten weeks I’ve been working through The Artist’s Way, which I know has really helped me gain clarity as well. It’s trademarked as ‘a spiritual path to higher creativity’ but has also helped me identify what isn’t working in my life right now, and what I truly want out of life that’s buried deep in my core. Sometimes some digging is necessary to discover who we really are and what we really want out of life. 

I don’t know if this post has made sense to anyone else but me, but it feels therapeutic to write it. There are other things bothering me, like the feeling of being stuck because truly I can’t go anywhere right now (without fear). Wondering when I’ll be able to return to Italy. Needing to workout but having a hard time finding motivation. Wishing it was any season but summer because I prefer cooler weather (unless I’m in the water, then it’s okay). What else…social anxiety and discomfort, worried about some of my friends, upcoming events, so many horrible events related to racism happening, feeling sad about the lack of plans because it’s just so hard to make them right now. I think everything is contributing to how I’m feeling and I know what would best serve me is to allow myself to feel how I’m feeling then move on. One of my favorite yoga teachers once said, you have to process your emotions before you can let them go. So instead of wishing them away, I will try to process them then let go. Writing definitely helps with this. (After I wrote this I went on a bike ride to clear my head and I received some good news, so I think it worked.)

Another thing I will be working on in the coming weeks is simplifying. This is one of the most sure ways to get rid of the clutter in my brain, by getting rid of the clutter in my life. I’ve already started writing a post on this, so I’ll share once I have a chance to do it myself again. It’s necessary every few months to evaluate and simplify. Last time I did this was when I returned from Rome, and I know it will feel good to do once again. 

I feel like my Instagram stories have been feeling like doom and gloom lately but honestly it’s impossible to think about posting other things when there is so much else going on in the world, with the pandemic and the Black Lives Matter movement, not to mention a very important election happening in November. There’s no way to ignore it and though I try to continue to post inspiring content, sometimes I have to take a break. Eventually I will find the right balance, but I apologize if I’ve been all over the place lately. 

As always, if you’re feeling the same way or have other thoughts you want to share, comment below or send me a DM on Instagram. I hope this post wasn’t written in vain, I know it helped me and maybe it will enlighten you, too, about some of your own struggles in this crazy world.