Leave yourself behind, part I

“The truth is that I can always bring my past with me. But I can never go back. You gotta leave yourself behind.” -Lady Gaga

Nostalgia is a crazy thing, but having gratitude for the past and finding it within yourself to move on from it is monumental. My trip back to Italy in January taught me that. I can never be the same version of myself that I was at a certain point in time, and missing that girl is pointless because I can be better, I can find a different version of her in my present self. Places can still bring out a certain side to me, and it’s okay to long to be somewhere else, as long as I recognize that time travel doesn’t have to exist for me to like who I am again (or for me to be who I want to be).

This was a really monumental realization for me, and I shared a little bit of it on Instagram, but I wanted to tell the full story. So, here it goes…

I had been dreaming about returning to Florence for one and a half years, starting the minute I boarded my plane out of Italy to Amsterdam then on to Minneapolis after five months of studying abroad. Life in Italy to me had been the clearest version of reality, and my life in the states was like a dream that existed somewhere that couldn’t be accessed anymore. Once I lived in Italy, I was altered forever. I wanted to live more. More rough, more passionately, more stylishly, more relaxed, more of all that mattered in life. The feeling of vitality captured me and wouldn’t let me leave its grasp, and I’m thankful for that, because if life isn’t made of fires and explorations and butterflies and avalanches and deep shots of espresso, what’s the point?

So once I arrived back in the states I didn’t ever stop thinking about my life in Italy. It’s hard to live a life, or return to a life, after the rules have been rewritten. I saw a different type of living, one that matched my wants and needs so much more than the one I had been born into. I don’t write this to hurt my family and friends who do fit that mold, I just recognize that I don’t at this time.

I can see now looking back that I was depressed the last few weeks I had in Italy, because I didn’t want to leave. I was absolutely dreading it. I loved living there more than anything. The transition had been easy for me, I wasn’t homesick, I only had culture shock for a solid two hours during the first week and then it wore off as quickly as it had come (it was brought on by a visit from the Florence police commissioner, meant to scare us into staying safe).

But when I returned to the states I reeled from the reverse culture shock. It took me upwards of six weeks to feel normal again, to move from my parents house back to the apartment I had with my friends. I felt like I was Allie in The Vow after her brain injury. I submitted to all my old habits, the ones I knew most, and stuck to the places I had spent my childhood. For some reason going backwards in time to what felt most comfortable was how I coped with the horrible feeling of not belonging.

I’m a transparent person and have a hard time hiding my emotions, so it was apparent to my family and friends that I was missing it. Not to mention I vocalized that. I wanted to go back. For the time being though, I had one more year of college to finish, which was like hell.

I wasn’t loving my major at the time, my internship sucked the life out of me, and I hated where I was. The one bright thing that was born out of all the darkness of that year was this blog. I spent hours at work writing and ideating out of the boredom I was experiencing. I had started a different blog a couple years back, but I wanted something more permanent, so I took my time and did it right. There’s still much room for improvement, but finally I was doing something I loved, writing and documenting life and hopefully leading to traveling more.

Light also came in the form of the two semesters of Italian class I took. It helped me stay connected to the country and the culture I was missing sorely, and assured me that when I went back it would be even better than before, because I’d be able to speak the language way better than when I lived there. Plus, speaking Italian puts an immediate smile on my face, it’s so beautiful.

Fast forward to post-grad life. I floundered for more time than I wish to say, and still am. I don’t like being forced into boxes, or told what to do, and being relentlessly hounded to ‘start a career’ and ‘get a job with benefits and a 401K’ etc. wore me down to my core. I wasn’t passionate about what I was doing anymore, so I tried to get a job that would merge my passions. But since my degree was so specific, that became almost impossible. I also just felt burnt out. I needed a break.

After a summer of unsuccessfully sending out job apps and rounds of interviews, I finally landed a job in interior design. I still wanted to pursue my other passions, I have so many, but for now I needed a steady paycheck and a place to spend my days. Looking back, even after how terrible this job actually turned out to be, I am grateful I took it because it meant I could afford travel again in this first year of post-grad. I went to New York in November for the first time and absolutely fell in love with it. Seeing the city opened me up to new possibilities. Every time I had traveled in the past year, I thought about if I could see myself living in whatever city I was visiting. New York was the first place I went that I felt I could, and truly love it.

I was obviously itching to get back to Italy, too, and had numerous flight alerts on for different European cities over the year since I had left. When I found a deal for a roundtrip flight to Dublin, I solicited all of my friends to see if any would want to do a Europe trip. I was close to booking a solo trip when finally one prevailed, and we booked the flights. From Dublin, we found budget flights (Ryanair is my best friend) to Italy and it was all settled. I would be returning in January, almost exactly two years since I arrived in Florence for the first time.

I wasn’t looking for any big revelations when I returned to Italy, just wanted to return ‘home’ more than anything and be a part of the chaos and the passion for a few days. I was pretty sure I would feel the same way about it, and I was right. I fell right back into the rhythm like I had never left, and it strengthened my resolve to make life in Italy happen somehow. I expected to find Florence the same but of course the city is constantly reinventing itself, that’s what it does, thousands of years after the renaissance it is still experiencing new births all the time. But I still fit right back into its loving grasp.

What I didn’t realize was how much I would learn about myself, things that I could only be clear on once I returned to this place and revisited a former version of myself. Travel often brings us revelations, unexpected, out-of-the-blue, perspective-changing. If we expect them to happen, then they usually don’t. But when we aren’t ready for them, they arrive and shatter our world (in both good and bad ways).

Back to Lady Gaga’s quote, from her documentary Five Foot Two, which I recommend to any artist or creative. She says “you gotta let yourself go” and that stuck with me so much because that’s what I was having such a hard time with. Everyone knew that I was constantly wanting to be back in Italy, and a big part of that I realized was because I wanted to be that girl again. I wanted to be the person I was there, and I felt like I couldn’t find her again. So when I returned I finally truly realized that I could let her go, my former self, because I am now this different version of myself here in Italy that I like. I have to let that girl go. And this trip allowed me to do that. I couldn’t have done that without going back.

I had thought I would become depressed being in Florence, but instead it felt like I had never left, except that now I was a different person and that was okay. I didn’t cry when I saw my old street and apartment. I was just so happy to see it, bursting with joy that I had that opportunity and for that whole experience and time in my life. I felt full of gratitude that it had happened.

At the same time, I still realized that I’m a different version of myself when I’m there, and I love that version of me. Returning didn’t mean that I got “closure” or didn’t feel the need to come back again, it only made me want to move to Italy and be there and live my Italian life more because I saw again how well I can live there and how much I love the person I am there. Gaga said “the truth is that I can always bring my past with me. But I can never go back. You gotta leave yourself behind.” And I lived that and learned that through this trip, and am so grateful I was able to because that was a really big life realization for me.

It’s a vulnerable position to take to put all of this out into the universe, but I feel so comfortable in Italy, safe, like I belong and also like I can just fall into the rhythm of life again. Taking espresso at the bar is the best everyday ritual, and trying the language requires humility and courage. Finding new things to appreciate each day but also being able to take in so much beauty around me at all times. It’s so much easier to see there, the antiquity always present, the gestures between people beauty in themselves. I felt a great depth of sadness leaving, watching the land get smaller and smaller from above and not knowing exactly when I’d be returning again.

***I wrote the above shortly after returning from my trip in January and have edited it minimally. I have decided to FINALLY publish it, in the hope that it will be relevant to others who share similar feelings…and I’ll be publishing a follow-up to this post shortly with an update.

Is there a place in the world that makes you feel this way? Or did you have a similar experience of letting go of your past self? Let me know in the comments below.